Anxiety

José Roldan, Jr.

Edvard Munch. “Angst/Anxiety.” Danish Agency for Culture.

Every time I walk into what is supposed to be my sanctuary, it happens. It starts out slow and subtle. Then it overtakes me.  

And then, like an avalanche, anxiety begins to grow into something that becomes so heavy I have to dig myself out. Dense wet snow. Each flake holding on to another with one common goal: to bury me.

I’ve dealt with anxiety for as long as I can remember, but it has been a beast these past seven months. At first, pressure on my chest. I pace my apartment, afraid to lie down, thinking that if I do, I’ll never get up again. I look around the house for something to focus on. Each and every attempt fails. I’m never sure exactly what it is, but you can’t tell me I’m not going to die.

I’d call a friend, but who would be up at two in the morning? I can get through this; I can beat this. I’m gasping for air. My stomach feels wrapped in rubber bands. The more I try and catch my breath, the tighter the bands get. My arms feel numb; I can feel pins on my skin. Something has to be wrong.

I haven’t seen anyone in months. I can’t remember the last time I saw any family or friends. All I see are posts of people dying or sick. Dying because of Covid. Dying because Black Lives Don’t Matter.

Who will find me? I live alone. Who’s going to tell Mami that I tried to be as strong as I could? Who’s going to take care of her? I can’t die. What if this is Covid? What if I have Covid and the pains in my chest are signs of the congestion from the infection? This could be Covid. This has to be Covid.

I’m overreacting.

I just need to distract myself. Turn on the TV.

Fuck.

The news.

I try to change the channel quick so that I won’t hear anything. Press any number on the remote. Another news channel. The reporter says: “more than 600 dead from Covid.”

Turn off the TV.

The pressure on my chest is back. I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe.

I just can’t breathe. 

I’m crying again. I don’t even know why.

José Roldan, Jr. is an actor, screenwriter and playwright, who has traveled the world with his Multi-Award-Winning One-Person-Show, "Father Forgive Me for I have Sinned." José has performed his show in various places across the globe. He has taken the show to Europe, South America, and the Caribbean. He's also performed his show on multiple cruise ships on The Royal Caribbean and Celebrity Cruise lines. He's also co-starred on the hit television shows, "Power" and "Orange is The New Black.”

José is currently pursuing the Master's in Fine Arts in Creative Writing at City College in New York City.