December

Henny Neustadt

Sitting by my bedroom window, in some strange approximation of silence, all I can hear is the few cars that drive by outside. I am content in this moment, I suppose, but at the same time aware of the enormity of the world I am on the cusp of entering. Alone in my room all day, with no physical classes beckoning me, it’s easy to imagine that I am the only person alive, that the world is much smaller than it is. Classes feel closer to simulations than they ever have. Even the trees outside no longer look as real as they used to.

Feel that way as it might, the world will return to a semblance of normalcy, myself along with it. I will stop feeling as if I cannot step outside and enjoy the spring. The birds call to me, those early mornings when I find myself unable to sleep, caught up in the worry of what will come next. I may have one semester still to go, but will life even be real then, when the snow falls once again, and we pull our sweaters from their summer hiding places? Will normal ever be normal again?

In those morning hours, when I let myself dwell on the unspeakable, I wonder if I am going about any of this in the right way. Or, really, if there is a right way.

A thought. Who cares? Why worry?

I wish I could accept my own advice. In times of silence all I do is worry, worry, worry, wonder when the next time will come that I can set aside to worry. I should start to put it into my schedule. A 15-minute worry session, somewhere between washing the dishes and an afternoon walk. That at least might make it easier for me to not worry in those other times, when I should be focusing on other pursuits, more worthy ones that might actually breed further productivity.

Do I need to be productive? This is a time of reflection more than it is of productivity, but if I stray, and I stray too far, I may never listen when I am called back in. There must be a balance, and I must learn how to strike it. Is that not, in itself, a form of productivity?

Henny Neustadt is a student at The City College of New York. She is studying English and enjoys rearranging her bookshelves in her spare time. You can usually find her taking pictures of her two cats.