Disappointment
Eli S. Evans
Things I’d hoped to celebrate today
Unexpected professional success (the only kind, in my case); a clean bill of health (without the bill); the triumph of a political cause with which I sympathize (but not to my personal detriment); the birth of someone else’s child (for me, thank you very much, one is just right); the failure or unhappiness of a rival (or the cessation of my desire to celebrate the same); a compliment offered begrudgingly by a rival (as long as not back-handed, though sometimes it can be hard to tell); a joke I’ve sent via text message to several friends, or posted to a social media service, receiving an enthusiastic reception; breaking a bad habit (though they usually come back sooner or later, even if disguised as a different bad habit); not having a breakdown (but there’s always still time), any other unspecified good news; a life well-lived (but not over); a Jewish holiday other than Hanukkah or the so-called “High Holidays” (but I can never seem to remember when they take place, what they’re called, or what occasion they are meant to commemorate); the completion of a challenging project or the commencement of the same; every “no” I’ve ever received on account of the fact that it has brought me one “no” closer to the “yes” for which I’ve been waiting (and if that “yes” never comes, then on account of the fact that it is still one more “no” I will not have to suffer in the future); a space-saving innovation to or in my kitchen cabinets (storage being by its very nature never sufficient); human resourcefulness in general; any accomplishment for which I did not give myself the credit I deserved at the time (my Ph.D., for example, after the completion of which I felt only a combination of relief and anger for having given away that many years all for this); feelings of non-attachment to social validation (but without attachment to those feelings of non-attachment); a victory for the little guy (who, depending on the magnitude of the victory, may already no longer be such a “little guy”); a victory for the home team (although the home team does not have a game scheduled for today); life’s simple pleasures (as if pleasure were ever simple); the success of a friend (and, by extension, my ability, in so far as I would be celebrating that success, to prevent envy from getting the best of me when my friends are successful); receiving the aforementioned “yes” for which I’ve been waiting (on second thought, then I’d have nothing left to hope for and would probably drift into despair); the successful acquisition of a scarce commodity (i.e. consumerism as radical self-care); the fact that I put away the mountain of clothing that has been accumulating all week on the stool at the foot of my bed (come to think of it, I could probably just go ahead and do that); proof that it really was not me but her own need to be able to be with herself before she could be commit to being with someone else (despite the fact that she almost immediately moved on to the man who would become her husband); the invention of a special potion that gives dogs the ability to temporarily speak and understand their owner’s language (but – and I cannot emphasize this enough – only temporarily); the relegation of the idea of masculinity to the dustbin of history (from which it might be rescued only on those days I find myself feeling quite manly, indeed); nobody ever talking or making noise within earshot ever again while I am trying to concentrate (for example, right now, trying to remember all the things I thought of in the past four minutes and thirty-three seconds); the invention of a special potion that allows you to go back to a time when you turned down an opportunity because you were afraid of being embarrassed if it did not work out armed with the confidence that comes from knowing how many times you have been embarrassed since then for other reasons (and survived); my father’s respect (which I think I already have, more or less—but still); my mother’s love (ditto); that single piece of information on the basis of which I would be able to decide once and for all whether, if I could have only one farm animal, I would choose a donkey or a goat.
Things I had not hoped to celebrate today
My one-year anniversary with my current mobile provider.
Things I was invited to celebrate today
My one-year anniversary with my current mobile provider.
I am a writer and, for money, what's known as a "full-time lecturer" (at some institutions a Professor of Practice), which is like being a professor but with a heavy teaching load, very minimal extracurricular expectations on the part of the institution, and means that I work on contracts of increasing duration, but without possibility of tenure. Lots of recent publications I'm proud of (and a few not so much), but the one I'd be keen to promote in a bio is this modest book project with an obscure literary journal and press, currently forthcoming available for preorder: https://www.moonrabbitbooks.com/product/obscure-irregular-pre-order