WHEN WE WERE ON AN UNOFFICIAL BREAK YOU HOOKED UP WITH A FREDDY KRUEGER IMPERSONATOR

Shawn Berman

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i wasn’t exactly mad but it made me question a lot about my self-worth. not in the sense that i was inherently useless or bad or anything. more in the sense that the freddy krueger impersonator was probably the worst freddy krueger impersonator i had ever seen. a bit too bloated and hunchback-ish and unintimidating to even resemble robert englund. and i started to wonder if you hooking up with them had any malicious intent behind it, as my usual go-to halloween costume is jason.

i questioned where we went wrong. what did this freddy krueger dude have that i didn’t? perhaps he was more decisive in terms of dinner choices. or he was a proud tv auteur and didn’t dare watch 90 day fiance or the numerous travel to different countries and eat normal food shows.

the idea of you and that freddy making out haunted me. i couldn’t help but think to myself if kissing them felt good. if their dollar store finger blades excited you. their onion breath creeping into your dreams, putting you over the edge into a fantasyland that i was unable to deliver.

suddenly, something in my brain snapped. something buried deep within my gray matter said i should beat the crap outta this guy. teach him a lesson. show up to his work and pour chocolate mill over his head. drown him in trans fats. but that was silly. immature. indulgent. but was it?

probably. most likely. and it didn’t matter because i would never do anything like that. that’s not me. i’m too passive. too weak and cowardly and depressed to ever raise my fists. i would just let the image of you and that thing eat away until there was nothing left inside of me. until all the flowers and chocolates in the world melted and all i was left with is this utter feeling of loneliness. until i reinvented my persona and became a hulking fire of badassness that would light a flame under anyone who came in contact with me. but that wouldn’t happen. not today or tomorrow or ever. for now, i am just a guy who was thrown to the wayside for a bad freddy impersonator and i will live with it because i have to. because that’s just who i am. 5 years worth of pictures and costume parties and memories now tainted. tainted by my unwillingness to move on and get a life. but there is always tomorrow, right? that’s what people usually say in these situations to make people feel better. Ha. that’s what people always say...

Shawn Berman runs The Daily Drunk. Some of his work has appeared in Hobart, Maudlin House, and Drunk Monkeys. @sbb_writer.